`Thursday, January 28, 2010; 12:57 AM
HERE.
what feelings does the picture above gave you when you looked at it? you felt the darkness thats inside your heart, and its difficult to reach out for the light that will show you the way? or you feel theres darkness in you, but the light will be shown to you and replace your darkness soon?
sorry for not updating quite sometime.
i've got quite alot of frustrations and sadness to vent out here the past few days,
but i was too tired to blog. i'll roughly sum up these few days.
things were getting abit better, i hope so. have you all ever known or seen a daughter who fought physically with her dad? i do, because im the one.
it should be on last Friday when my dad was drunk, he got unreasonably unreasonable. he quarrelled with me because he dont want me to use the toilet in their room again and again that night. like so idiotic. i was wondering whats wrong, so i kept asking and saying im not wrong. in the end he pushed my head, i pushed him, and thats how we got our physical fight. mum was beside to stop him. i dont think you all can ever imagine the image between the two of us. its just like two gangsters, looking at each other with huge eyes and ready to swing out our hands/arms anytime. the only difference was, we are father and daughter.
i shouted this sentence to him, 'if you beat me again, i can call police.'. he threw the house phone and asked me to dial for the police number. he came into my room, i was scared that he will throw my mobile phone on the floor. before that he did came into my room and dropped my phone. i screamed the loudest that i could, because it was a present from dearest. i hate guys who beat girls. they are the most idiotic guys in the whole world. thats why i shouted that sentence to my dad. i hate him, one of the most idiotic guys in the whole world.
after that he told me to not come home again. so i walked out, spent about one hour, walking outside in a cold night, crying alone. i felt really lonely that night. no one was there. i had problems with dearest, and yet another problem with dad. it feels sucky to know that no one was there.
on the other side, i got into Nursing course in Ngee Ann Poly.
i came across this sentence, and i felt really true.
it says, 'When you become so lonely, you wish you can use everything you have to exchange for someone so dear.'.
i wish i can use everything to exchange for someone so dear and his happiness, even if it has to be my life.
thats all.
loved for 2 years, 4 months.
apple.
28th January 2010.
12.57am.
`Thursday, January 21, 2010; 11:19 PM
present from Ms Straaten and those whoturned up for the dinner.
HERE.
Today, guess what? i worked the whole day, without celebrating anything. how great is that?
birthday is just a normal day, which ended up with one dinner with Ms Straaten and the guys and ladies on the previous day, and birthday wishes from friends be it SMS or facebook.
thank you all, i appreciate it. but theres no need to send me birthday wishes in the future, cause its just a small matter. still, thank you. this year's birthday was the worst that i ever had after 16 years of my life.
i worked at Mitju at ION on Tuesday. it was super tiring. from now on, i've learnt not to be a fussy shoe-buyer(neither am i a fussy shoe-buyer), so i wouldnt have to trouble the sales girl/guy so much. its super busy over there, to the extent that i can only have my lunch at 3plus which i will always have it at 12plus when im working, and without dinner.
and i wonder if some customers were blind. some customers said they've asked me to take the shoes that they wanted, when i cant even remember that they asked me to take it, when i dont even know what are the shoes that they wanted. it happened twice on Tuesday. or maybe its me who's senile?
apple.
21st January 2009.
11.19pm.
`Tuesday, January 19, 2010; 12:10 AM
Today,
while i was on my way home from JP,
i walked to the interchange.
the interchange is always filled with a crowd of people.
although i was among those crowd,
i just felt that my world was all alone that time.
it seemed like i was the only one in the interchange.
i dont know how to describe that feeling.
its just,
the crowd seemed invisible,
and i was all alone for a moment.
no matter how things turn out to be,
i will stay strong and live to the fullest for my everyday lives,
even if i were to be alone.
i must not take things for granted.
for when theres a time when i left this world,
nothing in this world is going to come back again,
nothing in this world is ever going to happen again.
so,
i shall live to the fullest everyday,
and make my everyday a happy one before my life comes to an end.
some asked, 'are you okay?'.
my answer will always be 'Fine' or 'Ya' even when im not okay.
inner pains are hard to be vented out.
but i believe time is my healing medicine.
`Sunday, January 17, 2010; 11:22 PM
I came across this while bloghopping;
'Is it true that relationships have a lifespan? Many say that most ‘truthful’ relationships only last from 18-30 months. And after that? Couples become bored, tired of each other, quarrels, fight, break-up, divorce…
What do you think?
Listened to some comments and I guess the answer lies in- how both parties contribute efforts to sustain it.
Are kisses not as sweet as they seem when couples get together?
Are hugs not as warm as before?
Is yr bf/gf not as lovely as he/she was in the past?
Do you still see the ’spark’ in being with him/her?
Afterall, Love’s not just about doing sweet stuffs to impress the other. Love’s about understanding one another, and being there for yr loved one when he/she needs you.
Love’s about being yrself when you’re with yr bf/gf, and feeling the neverending emotion of Happiness whenever you’re together. Materials? Doubt they’re 100% necessary. Sometimes, even a simple ‘I love you’ during special moments have the ability to melt one’s heart. Though flowers and romantic items do increase the pleasure, words create wonders.'
this is love.
i already tried to fulfill it.
what more you want me to do?
i already tried to be understanding, tried to be there for you when you need me, being myself when i'm together with you.
but i still failed every single thing in your eyes.
are you being yourself when you are with me since the time when we were together?
It's painful to hold those tears.
can you stop, please?
`; 12:03 AM
Time passed by slower than usual when i'm alone.
You dont ever understand what i want.
I want someone who wont hurt me,
I want someone who will love me well,
and i dont think it's possible anymore.
`Saturday, January 16, 2010; 12:21 AM
I hate my life.
I'm alone for everything.
Joy, Happiness, Pains, Sadness, Loneliness, Worries, Fears, Tears, Unhappiness, Stress, Misery.
I shared and took up all these alone, and no one else.
Not because i dont want to share with someone, but because i cant.
i dont have much friends.
i couldnt share them with friends, because i dont share problems with friends.
neither will i share with family.
the only one that i can, and want to share my problems with,
the only one who's closest to me,
is not there for me anymore.
no one is able to keep my smiles going,
no one is able to make me smile from my heart anymore.
and i mean no one.
no one really understands me,
no one understands what i want,
no one understands how i feel,
no one understands how painful it was to go through all these, alone.
not even a single soul in this world understands the pains i'm going through.
everything in your eyes is,
i'm not understanding,
i'm nonsensical,
i'm unreasonable,
i'm troubling you,
i'm blowing things up when everything of mine is just a tiny case.
like i said,
no one in this world truly understands me.
to anyone out there,
it may seems like a tiny case.
but to me,
the pains werent just short-termed or tiny bits,
it's deepened down,
and it's accumulating.
you said i troubled you,
you said im no better than you when i didnt even say i'm better,
you asked me to stop my nonsense.
you have no idea how hurting it was to actually hear all these from you,
despite the fact that i got to go through things alone.
you changed totally.
you just dont understand a single bit of the things i did for you.
thats fine then.
whatever you think i am,
so be it.
i used to have this thinking,
whatever people thinks about me,
i'm not gonna care,
cause it aint important to me.
but what you think about me,
i care,
cause you are important to me.
but now,
whatever you want to think about me,
just go ahead and think whatever you can think of.
i'm not gonna care about how you think of me anymore.
its useless.
i will get hurt in the end.
i'll keep that three hurting sentences you've told me deep down in my brain,
and the rest that you going to tell me as time goes by,
for the rest of my life.
everything is no longer the same.
everything changes.
the love and sweetness we used to have are drifting.
2010 is not a good start for me.
i'm exhausted.
really tired from everything.
i seriously need a break.
`Wednesday, January 13, 2010; 1:03 AM
HERE.
got back my O level's results yesterday. when i sat down in the hall, i kept thinking how badly will i done for O's, thinking i will get around 20plus points.
when i opened up my result slip, i couldnt believe that i got 16 for L1R4, including CCA. a heavy burden finally got off my chest and brain and mind after nearly 2 months. my L1R5 is definitely worse; 21. i dont know how the whole result was calculated and end up with a 16. but its alright. now the next thing i will have to worry is my posting results. i pray hard that i will be able to get into Early Childhood Education course. im not interested in any other courses.
i was also shocked to find out that those who normally did better in school than Siling and me actually got higher points for L1R4. i'm one who dont pay attention in class, and never took studies seriously during sec 4, always failing a number of subjects, never put in my best effort for O's, and now even though i still failed the subjects i've always been failing, i still manage to get 16. i really thank God for that, because i didnt expect i will get any results near to 16.
my results;
English-B3
Combined Humanities-D7
Mathematics-B4
Additional Mathematics-C6
Physics-C6
Chemistry-E8
Chinese-A2
for English i was also shocked that those who normally speak English language actually got C5, C6, D7 for their English. as for Combined Humanities and Chemistry, the results were expected.
especially Combined Humanities, Geography really landed me into deep shit for the past two years. i've NEVER pass any Geography tests or exams in year 2009. i only pass few tests in year 2008. even till O's, i still failed it. this really proved that i cant and am not suitable for Geography, and i hate it. if only i didnt appeal to transfer to Geography class, if only i continued with Literature. i guess the result wouldnt end up with a D7.
as for my Mathematics, im disappointed. getting B3 is a disappointment to me already, and now i got a B4 which i've NEVER got it for the whole of my four years for my Mathematics in Yuhua. and if only my calculator didnt break down during Amaths paper, i would have gotten better grades.
now that everyone is separated into their own lives, i pray that they will have good classmates and friends and colleagues wherever they go to, and that they will have a better future which they want to be in.
im not gonna make the same mistakes i made in year 2009; not paying attention in class and have lots of regrets anymore. im gonna look ahead and make the best out of my life.
best wishes to everyone.
apple.
13th January 2010.
1.03am.
